[Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay]

Here at the Minimise Project, we want to help equip you to have conversations with people that change their minds about abortion. A lot of the time, this involves helping you be prepared – arming you with arguments and tools, helping you overcome nerves, stuff like that. However, this post is actually about how you may not need to be as “prepared” as you think – and in fact, some of the “advice” I’ve encountered over the years on how to be persuasive is pretty unnecessary advice, and in fact can totally backfire. These tips might help you win a debate – but they really won’t help you be persuasive in a conversation with family and friends! With this in mind, feel free to totally ignore the following “tips”:

  1. Everything must be on your terms
    The idea behind this “tip” is that it’s very important to always proclaim the truth and not let the other side define our terms. This plays out most obviously in terms of language. For example, pro-life people often insist that we must use the term “baby”, never “foetus” or “embryo”, because to do otherwise is “dehumanising”. As another example, we are told that we must use the term “pro-abortion”, “pro-abort”, “pro-death”, or otherwise, never “pro-choice”, because we cannot legitimise our opponents’ position by implying that abortion is a valid choice.
    This backfires because by using this kind of language, you are insisting on drawing lines of opposition. You are highlighting the divisions rather than the commonalities between your positions – not only do you not agree on how to value unborn life, you don’t even agree on what to call it! This is not a good strategy if you are trying to change someone’s mind! To be perfectly frank, I don’t care what someone calls an unborn baby so long as they are happy to say one should not kill them!
  2. You can’t concede any ground
    This “tip” stems from the idea that you must stand firm on your position, because to do otherwise is seen as wishy-washy or weak. The argument is that in order to persuade someone, you need to seem very strong and commanding, and very sure that you are correct. This inspires confidence that maybe your position is correct.
    However, in practice, this totally backfires because you can come across as obnoxious! People are actually far more drawn to someone who is willing to make space for the other person, acknowledge the other person has good ideas and viewpoints, and expresses a willingness to listen to and learn from the other person. Conceding ground, far from harming your cause, makes you more likely to succeed!
  3. You have to be very confident and rehearsed
    This is the “tip” that, more than anything, tends to make people scared. I’m not saying you should never prepare – please do so, if you like, up to and including practicing conversations beforehand with a friend or at a Minimise workshop! But don’t feel you have to be confident or rehearsed when talking to someone in real life. Being relaxed, normal, and making it clear you’re thinking this through, willing to make mistakes, and coming at this in a genuine open manner means it is far more likely the person you’re talking to will do the same. If the person you’re chatting with seems very confident and word-perfect, that can actually be quite intimidating! A natural conversation doesn’t flow if one participant feels intimidated!
  4. You should have an answer for everything
    This “tip” is so frustrating. It is almost impossible to have an answer for everything, in any context. The idea that you shouldn’t enter into a discussion unless you are prepared for whatever comes up is almost tragic. First – people love it when the person they’re talking to not only doesn’t know everything, but willingly admits as much! Second, this can be a helpful get out clause, if you want to wrap up, or if you get the sense the other person does. You can say something like “You know, that’s a good point – I don’t actually know! Can I get back to you on that?” or “Yikes, good question. I actually can’t answer it myself, but I’m pretty sure I read a blog post about this – can I dig it out later and send it to you?”. Saying you don’t know is one of the most useful tools for you and the other person – use it!
  5. What worked for someone else will work for anyone
    This is one of those “tips” that actually works fairly well for media or public speaking, and I think has been misapplied to general conversations. When you’re talking to a lot of people at once, either in a presentation or debate, or in the media, you need to pick one message that will work for a lot of people (duh). In practice, this tends to play out as a small number of arguments being repeated again and again and again (sound familiar?). However, when you’re talking to a person or people you know, you should pick arguments that will work for the person at hand! I’ve had conversations about abortion with people that focus on personhood, animal rights, and utilitarianism. I’ve had conversations with people who wouldn’t have a clue what those terms even mean – those conversations have focused more on hypothetical situations involving my own children as examples. I’ve had yet more conversations with people focusing on bodily rights using examples from an episode of Futurama – a show neither of the previous two people have ever watched. In each case, I worked with what I knew about the person in question, and what would work for them – even if it wouldn’t work for anyone else. Sometimes a tactic that works beautifully in one context won’t land at all in another. You have to know your audience – so it’s a good thing that, when it comes to conversations with friends and family, you literally do know your audience!

Have you any other tips on “persuasion” that you think actually backfire? Let us know!

Muireann