Here at the Minimise Project, one of our big beliefs is that you can change people’s minds about abortion by having thoughtful conversations about the topic. The reason we’re slightly obsessed with this is because we’ve seen it work – we’ve seen people change their minds on this topic, and become pro-life activists as a result. Sometimes conversations can be scary, and you might like to try other, lower-stakes options. Other times, however, a conversation about abortion isn’t actually a good idea. It’s important to know when that is, so that you can avoid talking about abortion when you shouldn’t, and also so that you can recognise whether it’s a bad idea to talk about abortion right now, or whether you’re just nervous about it (which is totally normal and valid!).

So when shouldn’t you talk about abortion? The short answer is: you shouldn’t talk about abortion if you’re likely to make things worse as a result. What does “worse” mean? There’s no obvious answer here, but I would say you have made things worse if any of the following happen:

  1. The person you’re talking to is just as or more hostile to the pro-life position than they were before
  2. They didn’t hear you say anything they hadn’t heard before
  3. They didn’t learn anything
  4. They leave the conversation without having a positive or respectful view of you

I think it’s worth pointing out that often, it’s not our fault if any of the above happen. Sometimes someone is just so hostile to the pro-life view that they will automatically think less of you if they learn that you are pro-life, no matter what you say. However, given that this is true, it’s important to know in advance if that is likely – and simply avoid those conversations as a result.

How do you know in advance? Good question! This is almost always trial and error, but here are some clues that a conversation about abortion might not be a great idea:

If you’re angry

Abortion is an emotive topic, and sometimes people arguing back are just…not pleasant. It’s totally normal to get hot and bothered about this topic, or when you’re talking to an unpleasant person, or both. If you feel in any way angry, frustrated, or impatient, it’s very often a really good idea not to talk about abortion. Backing away could be the best thing you do for the unborn that day.

Relatedly, sometimes day to day annoyances, like being hungry, or tired, or cold, just mean that you’re not in a good place for such a conversation. You might not be angry now – but you may get angry quite quickly. Quietly passing is a good idea here too.

If you feel like you’re out of your depth

We are big fans on getting really, truly stuck in on the facts surrounding abortion, and in particular on the philosophical arguments behind the pro-life position. However, even the most informed and practiced pro-life advocates need to know their limits. If you, for example, happen to be talking to a consultant obstetrician whose specialty is maternal foetal medicine, and who therefore signs off on and perhaps performs abortions in the case of life-limiting conditions – maybe don’t strike up a conversation with that person about abortion. There are just so many things that they know that you don’t (unless you’re also a consultant obstetrician specialising in maternal foetal medicine, in which case, please get in touch with us!), and there’s just too high a risk that you will be bamboozled and/or imply that you think you know more than the person you’re talking to. It’s OK to ask a lot of questions! And it’s also OK, good even, to let the person know you’re prolife! But it may be a good idea not to go down the persuasion route, until you’re very confident that you have a firm grasp of what’s going on.

If you’re dealing with very sensitive situations

I really hate making people sad. I actively avoid saying what I’m thinking for fear of upsetting people. I probably over-apply this principle, but in general I think it has its place. Something like abortion is a very potentially upsetting, and deeply personal, question. If the person you’re talking to is getting upset or emotional, it’s often wise to back off, unless they know and trust you very well. If the person shares their own story of abortion, unplanned pregnancy, sexual assault, or other personal reasons behind their views on abortion, it’s also a good idea to just listen, thank them for sharing with you, and let them finish the conversation on their terms. It’s also a good idea to apologise if you might have inadvertently said anything they may have found difficult to hear. Outside of that, it’s quite likely a good idea not to pursue the conversation further.

Remember: if a conversation about abortion was likely to make things worse, then saying nothing is the right thing to do in that situation. Give yourself that breathing room – it’s the best thing for you, and for the unborn.

Muireann