Abortion is one of those topics that can cause people to band together into tribes. Pro-choice people often identify with other pro-choice people and like to think they share a common identity or “team”. Pro-life people do the same – this is normal and natural. One of the problems with this though is that we tend to be far too quick to believe that our team is made up of all good, all righteous people, while the other team is untrustworthy, ill-informed, or even malicious. We fall prey to confirmation bias: we take every example of our side doing the right thing, and the other side doing the wrong thing, as confirmation of how right our team is, and we ignore or excuse any examples of wrongdoing from our side, or we deny or explain away any examples of the other side getting or doing anything right.

Against this backdrop, I need to share something personal, because pro-life people have a problem that we desperately need pro-choice people of good will to help us with. Pro-choicers: some of you are not pro-choice. Some of you shame and stigmatise pregnant women. Some of you gossip about our families, our fertility and our choices around pregnancy and parenting to other pro-choice people. 

How do I know this? I know because it has happened to me, on more than one occasion. I am pregnant, due to give birth very soon, and know for a fact that there are some pro-choice people who are making derogatory comments about me. Furthermore, I have spoken with other pregnant women who are in the same situation. I’ve heard from women who have effectively been told, “you could have had an abortion. Why didn’t you? Why are you going through with this? That’s really dumb”.

I’d like to ask you to pause here and ask: what’s your immediate reaction? Do you believe me? Almost all the pro-choice people I know and love would be horrified at this. They truly think that whether and when I get pregnant is none of their business, and they’re more than happy to celebrate my baby with me and support me where I need them. I’m so grateful for all your good wishes and help. But do you believe there are “pro-choice” people who don’t react like this? Can you believe that there might be someone who claims to be wholly committed to free choice in pregnancy and yet would say hurtful things about me and others just for being pregnant?

I’m here to tell you that there is judgement, stigmatisation and ostracisation of pregnancy and parenting within your ranks. You may not believe me – fine. You may believe such attitudes are expressed only by pro-life people – also fine. But for those who are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt: I need you. I can tackle these nasty attitudes within the pro-life movement when they arise (and believe me, I do my best), but you are far better placed to do so within pro-choice circles. Why? Because of the dynamics of tribalism.

First of all, it’s far harder to believe a pro-life person who says exclusionary and discriminatory attitudes exist amongst pro-choice people than it is to believe a pro-choice person who makes this point. I have a vested interest in making your movement look bad, so you might take my experience with a pinch of salt. But a pro-choice person has no vested interest here. If they stand up to anti-choice attitudes within their community, they can do so with far more credibility than I can from the outside. So please, use that power for me and others like me.

Secondly, you have pre-existing common ground and trust built up with other pro-choicers. You have a resource you can tap. I don’t. Even amongst my closest friends who happen to be pro-choice, I hesitate to raise this issue. It’s too hard to do so without coming across as defensive, churlish, or engaging in “whataboutery”. My pro-life leanings just prove an extra barrier here. I need those with no such barrier to stand up for me and my baby.

As a pro-life person, I have an extra incentive to see negative attitudes around pregnancy and parenting addressed. Any move towards a pro-pregnancy and pro-parenting society is a move towards a pro-life society, with fewer abortions, and while genuinely pro-choice people have good reasons to build such a society, where everyone’s choice is respected and supported, pro-life people have an extra reason to see a society with fewer abortions: we think abortion is worse than pro-choice people do (at least on some level). So I’m willing to own that. My reasons for asking for your help aren’t purely personal – I do want to see fewer abortions and I think changing these attitudes would help. But I am also sick of pro-choice people not practicing what they preach. I’m not saying this problem is rampant in pro-choice circles, merely that it is present. Please do your best to end it.

Muireann